Newbie Corner

Relationship Protocols – Relationship protocols are generally the same as personal protocols but if you identify as submissive and you’re engaging in a D/s, M/s or related relationship dynamic, the person in the Dominant role of your relationship may be the person creating and maintaining your protocols. In one example, a Dominant identified partner may negotiate a “no touch protocol” for their submissive identified partner giving them the ability to say no to physical contact of any kind regardless of who they may come into contact with. Protocols are fluid and can always be negotiated/re-negotiated as your relationship grows and depending on the kind of dynamic you’re engaging in. Just remember that protocols should never go against your limits.

Protocols also transcend gender and sexual identity as well as your role in your relationship dynamic or in your community. Protocols should be based on your personal wants and needs or those of your negotiated relationship dynamic.

Limits – Limits consist of activities you will do, won’t do, and/or might do based on your level of trust in a play or relationship partner. The following explains the basic meaning of limits.

Hard Limits – Hard limits consist of activities that you will not engage in under any circumstances. For example, if you want to include spanking as a part of your impact scene but you do not want to include paddles then paddles could be considered a hard limit as there are no circumstances where you would enjoy paddles being included in your play.

Soft Limits – Soft limits consist of activities you may engage in but only with someone you trust. For example, if your play or relationship partner suggests paddles in a scene, that could be okay as you know and trust the person you are playing with. If a stranger asks you to engage in play with paddles that would not be okay as you do not know or trust the person asking to play with you.

Always remember that your limits are your own. No one can tell you what your limits are. Only you know what your emotional, mental and physical self can manage so choose your limits wisely and be open to having a trusted partner push them without breaking your consent. Limits are meant to help you safely explore and learn during play. Limits can be pushed but never broken.

Negotiation – Negotiation is one of the most important aspects of both play and relationships. When you and a potential partner are ready to engage in conversations about playing or a relationship, negotiation is how you convey to your partner what you plan to bring to the table. Some of the topics you may want to negotiate are; type of play, which toys will be used, sexual play, time, date, location of play, and more.

Negotiating play doesn’t necessarily have to take too long but it certainly can. Pick-up play occurs often at dungeons or play parties and negotiations for pick-up play can be quick but it’s important to take your time and fully negotiate every aspect of the scene you’ll be engaging in to ensure maximum comfortability and enjoyment. Negotiating a relationship dynamic can take days, weeks, or months. It’s important to know that if you can think of a question, you should be asking it during your negotiations. When you’re negotiating a relationship dynamic no topic should be left out. Relationship negotiations should always include things like type of relationship, levels of control, limits, protocols, types of play, types of discipline, types of punishment, and much, much more. Negotiations should always be balanced with each person being heard. To help you with your negotiations, use our negotiation form found under downloadable forms here. 

Consent – Consent is one of the most important tools to include when negotiating play and relationship dynamics. Consent transcends kink interests, gender identity, sexual identity, relationship roles… everything. How we use consent determines the what, where, when, how we play, and more. It’s important to know that there is no gray area with consent as it’s only given or revoked with an enthusiastic or firm yes or an enthusiastic or firm no. It’s also important to know that consent is on a moment-to-moment basis. This means that consent can be given one moment and revoked the next without reason.

While we know that there is no gray area when using consent, there are several different ways consent can be used. The list below offers multiple types of consent and their meaning.

• Affirmative – This is explicit, voluntary consent. (the enthusiastic yes)
• Conditional – Granting consent with conditions or stipulations. (i.e. I’ll do an impact scene but only with spanking and floggers but not with paddles)
• Contractual – Mutually agreed upon consensual acts within a written and signed contract. (**please note BDSM contracts are NOT enforceable in a court of law)
• Enthusiastic – Seeking the presence of a yes as opposed to the absence of a no. (A firm yes)
• Implied – Consent that is granted by actions or obvious body language and not granted verbally.
• Informed – Consent that is granted after being fully informed on all aspects of play. (Commonly used in consensual-non-consent (CNC))
• Substituted – Consent that is granted to another for the purposes of negotiation and consent. (i.e. a Dominant granting consent for their submissive to play with a Dominant outside of their relationship)

Now that we know what consent means and how it’s used, it’s important to remember that, no matter which role you choose, you have a voice. Use your voice, and make it work for you. Use consent every time you negotiate even when you know the person you’re negotiating with. This will keep you safe and ensure that you’re following the path to safe, sane, and consensual play.